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If this is your first time visiting this site, I'd suggest you start reading from the beginning (February). If you have time, I'd encourage you to read previous blog posts to understand what control infertility has had over my life, and how it may have affected how I treat those around me.

Over the past 6 months I decided to document emotions, feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, and pressures that go along with infertility.

The posts that I have written are very honest, raw, and at times very hopeless. While I am not a hopeless person, infertility made me feel this way. If you have questions or comments, I would enjoy hearing feedback.

Thank you, Heather

Adoption

Check out our adoption story:

www.babyrobinsonrocks.blogspot.com

Battle

I'm fighting the urge to slip back into a self loathing uninspiring state.
I'm fighting writing from this place, because right now, it is not beneficial.

I feel as though I'm teetering quite dangerously on pure joy and complete and utter devastation. I do not want devastation to win.

You start to feel crazy having this inner battle so frequently. 

It takes
every ounce of prayer, faith, hope, courage, and strength to continue to remain positive when my mind is tempting me to not.

Infertility has such a tight grip in my emotions that despite all the strength I can muster, it does not always mean I will win in the end.

So, I'm battling, with the weapons I know best.

- Heather

Embracing Joy ?

Have you ever been terrified of your own happiness?
Completely terrified?

I've felt happiness, sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, and hurt.

Right now I'm feeling happy and it's terrifying.
I'm aware that this is not the natural reaction to this feeling.

It's terrifying because I fear that it will be fleeting.

Despite my many negative, self deprecating, depressing journal entries, I've had many many moments of joy these past few years...more than I can imagine. I'm aware of these and acknowledge them.

Now is a moment of joy and this is my attempt to embrace it,

Heather

Surrender.

This is my plan.
This is my want.

Surrender.

"to give (oneself) up to some influence, course, emotion, etc.:"

"to give up, abandon, or relinquish (comfort, hope, etc.)"

"to yield or resign (an office, privilege, etc.) in favor of another."

"to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield."

Surrender my loneliness, my fears, my wants, my disappointments, my anger, my denial, my sadness, my thoughts, my heartache, my concerns, my anxiety.

Surrender.

A goal which is not easy, but a goal I wish to accomplish. It feels self destructive to continue to feel so isolated.

So,
for today at least,

Surrendering,

Heather

Failure.

I have had my identity stolen.

It hasn't been a quick process, but parts of me are now unrecognizable.
The anger I feel at times.
The anxiety.
The depression that casts shadows on even my happiest moments.
The confusion that is constant.

Thoughts and feelings like this are not foreign to me, however, prolonged feelings which my new identity possesses are. 

I feel as though I'm grasping at what I once was.
Parts of her still exist.
When I feel most myself, I feel strong, in control, powerful, happy, optimistic, and trusting.
At my worst I feel anxious, apprehensive, depressed, exhausted, and despite my best efforts, a failure.

Recently the word failure has been tormenting me more than others. It cannot be shaken. It cannot be brushed off. It continues to creep back into my vocabulary and sits there...lurking...waiting for the right moment when it can over power any optimism I have and silence it.

It has a strong grasp that I am not powerful enough to break.

I know the steps to take to get rid of it, to silence it, but my feet feel shackled.

Motionless,
Heather

It feels like..

It feels as though this isn't happening.
It's not that I'm in denial.
I'm no longer so angry.

I sit in disbelief.

It feels as though this won't ever change.
I'm bound to carry out my life
childless.

I know this is not true.

It feels like it.
This is the common theme in all of my thoughts. My future may be full of complete and utter joy; I guarantee you it is.

Right now.
Right in this moment.
Right in this breath

It feels unchanging.

This is the thought that is hardest to get over. It's not the hoping, it's not what's past, it's right now.

Childless while wanting.

- Heather

Infertility clench.

It seems unnatural to always be writing from such a dark place and state of mind.
It seems unlike me.
I feel oppressed and imprisoned by my own thoughts on this.
I feel robbed of my own happiness without the ability to free myself.
Caught in a web of craziness that is holding me tight.
It has such an unbending grip.

It feels unpleasant to attempt to explain this feeling.
I hate exploring this dark place.
It's not filled with brilliance and resilience my mind knows exists.
It's filled with chaos and self doubt
that is never fleeting.

It feels selfish to be writing from a place like this.

It.
Doesn't.
Fit.
Me.

- Heather

Defeated.

Stranded, wounded, desolate
guarded, tired, innocent.

heavy burden weighing down
inward shaken without sound.

Careful, careless, crying too
lack of hope and follow through.

Circling, dancing, spinning round,
dazed unable to be found.

slipping slowly into night
weapons down, I surrender this fight.

courage vanquished.
spirit vanished.
 Infertility wins, and I am finished

- Heather

When

Usually in the smallest moments it rings the loudest.

Inconceivably loud.
Unexpectedly aware.

It happens suddenly while I feel my bravest.

Rushing forcefully.
Pounding ceaselessly.

My own spirit cannot face it.

Doubting always.
Soul yearning.


Yes.
It usually happens in the smallest moment,
I fall to pieces, anxiety torments.

When Will I become What I made to be.

- Heather
 

There Between.....

There between the moments lie
Shadows casting darkened light
Melding into sunny days
Walking absent into haze.

 Restless, powerless, unannounced
lacking feeling void of sound
Carelessly hopeful consistently
focused solely; infertility

Stinging less yet sometimes more
Heart is broken, slowly torn
Flashes of light...End in sight...?

The constant unknown, holds no bounds. 

- Heather

Honesty.

Even while writing this I think to myself, who wants to read a depressing, self loathing blog. Who wants to read about pain that is endured, yet pain that is seemingly minimal. Who wants to read ranting from 29 year old woman.

It doesn't matter who wants to read it.
I am not writing this for you.

I'm writing this as a form of self expression; think of it like a piece of art, a painting perhaps.
Dark, dreary, intriguing, sad, but somehow functioning optimistically.

Art is often undefinable because it is ambiguous.

My writing feels the opposite.
My writing feels honest and exposed.

I don't want to be deceptive.
I don't want to undermine the infertility journey.
I don't want it to be brushed aside and overlooked.

Here's my voice.
Crying.
Screaming.
Shouting.
Whispering

Honesty.

- Heather

I....

I can't always create beauty with my words.
Some days they come out ugly, repetitive, annoying.

I can't always relay what I want to say.
Some days I go around in circles never really focusing on a point.

I can't make someone care.
Some days, I desperately want people to read this.

I can't get pregnant.
Every. single. day. this is very real to me.

I can't stop talking about  it.
I'm so annoying with this, it's inexpressible.

I can't stop saying 'I can't'
I wish it weren't this way, but it somehow has woven its way into my vocabulary.

- Heather

CAN'T

It's easier to believe in doubt than hope.

Imagining the worst case scenario seems realistic. 

It takes strength to have hope.
It takes optimism, resilience, character, and trust.

I feel broken down by the weight of this all.
Crushed into a smaller, less capable version of myself.
Spirit demolished.

Trying to get over something that remains constant is like
Staring at the sun without looking away. 
Running through rain while staying dry.
Closing your eyes and navigating your way through traffic.

Impossible.

It feels impossible.
I feel that there is no end. There is no cure. There is no answer.

I know what I should do. I know what advice I should take. I know the steps I should follow.

Should.
Should.
Should.

can't. -Heather

Wandering

"Not all who wander are lost"

True.

However,

"All who are lost, wander"

Seems to be more applicable to my situation.  I feel like I am constantly wandering from one place to the next. Hoping, wishing, praying that whatever I do next will sure make my pregnant. Some days I feel as thought I'm honestly wandering aimlessly, and that everything I am doing to try and get pregnant is completely pointless and that I should honestly just stop. 

I'm so tired of wandering.
I'm worn out from this journey that has no end.

I feel as though I'm meandering my way through unknown territory. Despite having many helping hands along the the way, I have still not reached my destination. I have no idea if I'm even close.

I wish there was a definite answer.

- Heather

Waiting.

Waiting for the moment when this all makes sense.
Waiting for a hint of explanation.
Waiting for my heavy heart to lift.
Waiting for a change in my perception.

Heather

TryinG

I'm trying.

I know it may seem like perhaps I'm not.
Like perhaps I'm wallowing in self pity, hopelessness, despair.
Don't get me wrong. 
I am doing all of those things...consistently.

I am trying though.
I'm trying not to over think, some days I am able to bypass those thoughts. I'm able to stop obsessing. I'm able to think clearly, openly, and honestly.

One word continues to occupy my mind.
One word continues to creep into my life, even on my darkest day.
It's a word I sometimes suppress.
It's a word I like to deny.

It means I have to keep trying, despite my yearning to quit.


Resilient:  returning to the original form or position after being bent, compressed, or stretched

- Heather

Prayer

Dear God,

I'm so worn out.
My heart is feeling heavy.
I am not optimistic.
I cannot shake this feeling.

I'm scared.
I'm struggling to trust in your plans.
I'm filled with doubt, anxiety, fear, and apprehension.
I am not filled with peace.

I find myself pessimistic.
My inner joy has been stolen.

I don't even know what to pray.

- Heather

FAILURE

You don't mean to, but you start to feel like a failure.
a complete, unexpected, irrelevant failure.

I don't want to feel this way.
I don't want to feel like I am inept.

I'm lacking insight right now.

I can only think about that one word; failure.
Why even keep trying.
?
Why keep trying over and over again.

I have many reasons to try.
I have many reasons not to.

There's a quote that says 'Failure is not an option'
But that's not true.
Failure is always an option.

Heather

Doubt

Starting over...

When you decide to start a new journey, it means that you must leave the old one behind.
At times, this can be extremely exhilarating.
At times, this can propel you forward with hope and optimism.

Starting over feels like this initially.
It feels right, it feels hopeful..

But, as always, it sets in.

What if what I'm doing doesn't work either?

Doubt sets in. You'll notice doubt as a theme throughout most of my entries. Doubt in what I'm doing. Doubt that it will work. Doubt ... doubt....doubt....

Honestly, I know that this is not a way to live. It's not a good idea to be filled with doubt. It's not helpful, useful, productive, or positive.

Doubt will get you know where.
Doubt will destroy all the things you hope for.
Doubt will challenge you even on your happiest days.


Unfortunately,
today,
I'm doubting.

- Heather

I have

I have the desire to create beauty.
I have the passion to embrace devastation.
I have the courage to encounter pain
I have the will to hope for inspiration.

I have the spirit to endure agony.
I have the strength to continue on.
I have the grief to acknowledge reality.
I have the hope that I'm not wrong.

I HaVe.

- Heather

Quote Analysis.

"Whatever the present moment contains, embrace it as if you had chosen it"

Whatever the present..
However you are feeling...this moment right now.....current thoughts.

Moment contains...
Is filled with.....captures.....embodies

Embrace it... 
hold on.....don't let go.....hug.....squeeze.

as if you...
yourself....I....me.....an individual

had chosen it....
decided....picked.....claimed.



- Heather

Why write about it?

The reason I started writing this blog was to offer insight, acknowledgement, and awareness.
I hoped to create something beautiful from an ugly situation.

As I've mentioned before, I would rather not be writing about this. 
I would rather not be sharing this private part of my life so publicly.

I write because it feels too important to stay silenced, despite the topic I am writing about being completely depressing.
I write because sharing your struggles so openly is healing and absolutely terrifying at the same time.

It's so overwhelming to contain these thoughts of hopeless, that writing them out gives them a purpose. 
I need to write.
I need to see my heart break, but know that while it's breaking, it's also gathering courage and strength...or so I am told.

Some days I can feel it. I can feel bits and pieces of my life become more beautiful through the pain.

I believe in optimism.
I believe in hope.
I believe both are essential.

I also believe in reality.

Today, I am not sure which side wins.
 - Heather

BroKen ReCord

BroKen Record?

I second guess myself.
Should I talk about it?
Should I stay silent?
I want both at the same time.

I want to share the daily details with you. I want to share my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams, my constant confusion, my wants, my angst.

When does it start to get..annoying?
Is it annoying now?

A certain paranoia sets in, one that is probably not justified. A paranoia that people are tired of hearing about your infertility. They are tired of supporting you, listening, being patient, trying to understand.

Like I said, this is probably not justified.

As with any diagnosis, the person with the diagnosis starts to have overwhelming awareness that they are indeed talking about this a lot.

I can't stop though.
I'd like to, I'd like to regulate it, but I keep coming back to it.

Broken ReCord ?

- Heather

WaVeS

It seems to be washing over me, fluidly
Slowly, persistently, indifferent.
It captures my courage,  with out hesitation.
I find myself stunned.

Waves of fear, denial, guilt
Surround me, ravage me, quietly
It terrifies me, unquestionably.
I find myself swallowed.

I reach unsuccessfully; foolishly
Crashing downward, quickly.
It embraces me, whole
I find myself smothered.
- Heather

What is it?

It's subtle.
Dull..aching...sometimes unnoticed.
It continues.
slowly...unwanted...constant.
It's dark.
empty...lonely...hidden.
It's unmentionable.
silent...embarrassing...shameful.
It's misunderstood.
ignorant...assumptions...inconsistent
It's sad.
heart breaking...depressing....angst.

It's honest.
open..abrupt...blunt.
It's inspiring.
courageous...strong...motivating.
It's a part of me.
always...

- Heather

I RecOgNiZe.

Sometimes I don't want to talk about.
Over and over and over and over.
Going over the same stories, the same feelings, the same facts, the same emotions, the same...

It's draining.

Not talking about it is also draining.
Holding it in, hiding, ignoring, pretending...

I just want it to be over with.
I don't want to wait days, weeks, months, years.

I recognize that I sound impatient.
I recognize that this is a time where I truly need to be patient and understanding.
I need to have courage, determination, resilience, hope.
I need to have trust, above all.

I recognize this.
What if I can't do it though.

- Heather

Free

Free.

Free from wondering, worrying, wishing, hoping, failing, trying, thinking, waiting, caring, lying, pretending, explaining, wanting, telling, giving, obsessing, listening, searching, studying, asking, dreaming...

Free.

Being free.
Infertility Free.

 Free to go about my life with harmony and peace consistently.
Free to not judge my own validation.
 Free to my own privacy.

Free to continue, and not remain in the in between.

- Heather

How am I feeling about my infertility.

As I sat down to write, I asked myself ' how am I feeling about my infertility'.

How.
am.
I 
Feeling.
About.
my.
infertility.

hopeless?
hopeful?
indifferent?
casual?
comical?

All and none of the above. There often isn't a certain way I am feeling about it. There isn't a certain adjective I can always describe it as. It's not always defined.

However, it always exists. 
If I see a pregnant woman, it doesn't increase or decrease the fact that I have infertility.
If I long to be a mother, it doesn't mean that it will happen or that it won't happen.

So, 'how am I feeling about my infertility' ?

No words can depict.

- heather

Opposites.

I may have been just fooling myself.

I'm not at peace.
I'm not at war.

I'm neither.

Existing in an unbalanced, unrehearsed, unmentionable in between of both.

I am both happy and sad at the same time.
I recognize both beauty and ugliness.
I'm determined yet hopeless.
Patient and restless.

It continues to plague my thoughts, yet I'm easily distracted.

Definitely.
Struggling.
to Focus.

- Heather

Happy ?

It's strange to feel this way.
I don't know if it's hopeful, at peace, happy, or what.
It's foreign to feel this way about my infertility. 

I hope the feeling stays.
I hope it lasts long enough for my to truly grasp on to it, and hold it tight.
I hope.

It's always hoping.
Always hoping that  you've made it through the worst part, the denial, the anger, the sadness, the guilt.
Never knowing if the peace you feel is really it.

Is this feeling real ?

Heather

Can'T SpEak

I start to feel stupid.

Stupid may be the wrong word, but it's s start.

I feel this way, because I struggle to explain myself when people ask. I tend to be very brief with my explanation as to why I can't have children. I rush my story. Every time.

I feel stupid trying to explain something that quite honestly, is unexplainable.
If I were to truly explain what it feels like to deal with infertility on a daily basis, I would become overwhelming. I would go into long descriptions of the heartache and pain you feel within a matter of seconds. The complete disbelief that consumes you........ this can't be happening to me. I would overwhelmingly try to explain how even the smallest thing can set back all your positive thoughts, prayers, hopes, and wants.

I understand that there probably is middle ground.
There's a way to effectively, honestly, and openly explain yourself without sounds stupid, and without being overwhelming.

For me, it's this. I may not able to talk to you about it, but I am able to write about it.

- Heather

REsTLeSS

I am just going to let it go..

That's what I tell myself everyday.
Today will be the day I can finally be at peace.

It happens.
It truly happens. 
I start to feel completely at peace...

Sometimes it lasts only minutes
Other times it lasts hours

But thoughts creep in.

You know that feeling when you know that you need to sleep. You know it's way past your bed time. You know your body is tired, exhausted, and worn...but you can't sleep.

Restless.
It feels this way trying to let go. 
I'm anxiously calm.

I know what I should do, I know how I should feel, I know I crave to relax and let go.

Something.
Always.
Still.
Hangs on.

- Heather

Mother's Day

This is the third year in a row I have been hoping to celebrate Mother's Day.

I get anxiety thinking about it.

I'm trying not to.
I'm trying to stay relaxed, calm, accepting, and happy for all the wonderful mothers out there (including my own).

I am trying.

It's like a small twitch when someone mentions it.
I get a brief mental image of a pregnant woman, or a mom with kids, or a grandma.
What joy that must be...to be someone's mother.

I understand that mother's are overlooked.
They are overlooked for all the wonderful, selfless, loving, beautiful light they bring into this world.

My heart is heavy knowing that I am once again not a mother this year.

- Heather

Infertility PoetRy

It feels ridiculous to be working this hard.
It feels unnatural to be so calculated.

It is hard to not feel jealous of others who can get pregnant so easily.

It is hard, that's an understatement.
It makes my teeth clench, my heart break, and my spirit fade.

I'd rather not be writing 'poetry' about infertility.
It is not my chosen topic.
It is not something I crave to feel.
It is not something I long to write about.


I write about it because I don't know what else to do.

After years of going through this, I am constantly wondering how to manage.

- Heather

UnExpressAblE.

Although I've been able to write about my emotions quite openly, I'm also struggling with something that I can't even express.

It's a feeling for which there is no word for. 
It's intangible.

I'm grasping at what I'm trying to say. 

Whatever the feeling is, it is heavy.
It's a significant weight that lifts momentarily but resumes immediately.
It can be suffocating.

Someone once described infertility as drowning.
You know that you need to get to the surface.
You know you need to breathe.
You know struggling may just make it worse, but not fighting will inevitably ruin you.
Drowning...

It's not quite that, but it's close.

It can be painful to realize something is continually happening to you and you have no control over it.

- Heather


 

GuilT

There's a sense of guilt I feel, for being so consumed by this.
There's an anxious, overwhelming, selfish guilt I identify with; especially when my mom has cancer.

I feel ridiculous, most times, obsessing over this.
Over and over and over.

Despite my best intentions, I often fall short.
When my thoughts are clear, I think about how brave, strong, and independent I am. 
I think about how helpful I can be, how compassionate I am towards others.

When my thoughts are clouded, guilt, anxiety, and fear set it.
I cannot shake those thoughts.

While my mom has cancer,
I'm worried about getting pregnant.

I am almost embarrassed to be sad for myself.
I feel ashamed for being so selfish.


- Heather

AcHe.

It's continuous little heart aches, sometimes.
Not always a long drawn out sorrow.

It comes in flashes and moments.

Sometimes it starts out as joy, but turns into an ache.
A tight clenching......
A distant look.........
Speechless.

But then it's over.
The moment passes.
Clarity resumes.

Until ...

That's the problem, there's always the uncertainty of 'until'.

- Heather

Not always

Today it is easy.
Today I am able to look at pictures of families and babies and smile.
Genuinely smile.

It frustrates me that I continually go back at forth with my emotions.
That within a matter of minutes, hours, or days, the exact same situations can either be exciting or completely unbearable.

It clouds my vision, to be in this constant state of chaos in my own mind.

Balance always seems out of reach, at least on a consistent basis.

I do want to be happy.
Most days, despite what I write on here, I am filled with more thoughts of joy than sadness. I never escape the wanting, the hoping, the dreaming, but it doesn't not always consume me.

So today, at least, it was easy.

- Heather

Website

www.resolve.org

Information on Infertility

Ask Me.

You wouldn't know this about me unless I told you.
You wouldn't be able to gather this information from my body language, my appearance, my interactions.
You wouldn't know this about me based on my positive attitude, happiness, easy going nature.

You wouldn't know unless you asked.

Ask.

It's extremely difficult for me, or for others for that matter, to just bring this up in conversation.
To casually just say ' yeah, I have infertility' and then try to start a casual conversation about.

It's not a casual topic.
It's personal.
Extremely personal.
Personal to the point of being awkward if you think about it too much.

I'm telling you now.
 
So ask me about it.
Ask me how I'm doing, how I'm feeling.

Just. Ask.

- Heather

AdviCe

' Everything happens for a reason'

True.
This is a true statement.
It doesn't make it a positive statement, or a comforting statement.
In fact, it seems less than comforting.


'Just be patient'

I am being patient, at least I feel as though I am.
Patience cannot be measured.
Patience is ambiguous.
What I consider patience may differ from what someone else considers patience.

'I understand'

Doubt it.
Doubt is apparent always.
Doubt in my situation.
Doubt in my friends.
When I say 'I doubt it', I am challenging you to try.

'Don't worry'

Impossible.
Though I'm usually the one giving this advice, I find this increasingly hard to follow.
I agree that worrying is pointless.
I agree than it is completely useless.
It remains a constant.

'There's hope'

There is.
I know there is.
However, this phrase is somehow unsettling to me.
It makes me grimmace.
In my heart and soul, and I am not completely sure of it's truth.


 - Heather

A simpLe SiGh

I sigh as I write this.

It feels inevitable to sigh.
I'm never quite sure what I'm sighing about.

The sound of infertility is sometimes a sigh.
A sigh when you are feeling silenced.
When you are trying to be patient.
When you have no words.

The sound of a broken heart is sometimes a sigh.
A sigh of yearning.
A sigh of disappointment.
A sigh of acceptance.


Most feelings cannot be put into words.
This is why often times when I am asked how I am feeling, I sigh.

A sigh means a lot of things, though it rarely means happiness.

-Heather

Abandoned.

That's what it seems like.
Somewhere, deep down, I'd like to believe it's not true.
It's not true that all my friends who are pregnant, or have children, have moved on with their lives and forgotten about me. It always feels like this.

What a joy it must be like to move on.
To have a concrete ending, and a new beginning.

I say abandoned, because I feel this way often.
I feel lonely.
I feel completely over sensitive.

Situations that should be easy to work through, become filled with anxiety.

I take things personally.
I live with passion and empathy, and find myself filled with doubt and concern even when something happens that is miniscule....to cry for no reason....to not cry when it seems you should...

Abandoned.
Forgotten.
Overlooked.

- Heather

Description of pain.

Devastated.
Crushed.
Broken.
Indifferent.
Speechless.
Forlorn.
Pathetic.
Guilty.
Jealous.
Restless.
Overwhelmed.
Annoyed.
Saddened.

Left Behind.

Hopeless.
Tearful.
Overlooked.
Anxious.
Let down.
Pained.
Selfish.
Worried.
Depressed.

I can't help but react this way.
I find out someone is pregnant.

- Heather

Epic Fail

Epic Fail.

Each Month; Epic Fail.

The torment this brings.

Every single month, for all these years; Epic Fail.

Some months start out hopeful. I feel as though 'yes, this will be the month'. I find myself hoping, dreaming, wishing, almost planning.

Epic Fail.

At times, it feels as though I'm mourning the loss the someone that has died...Every.....Single......Month.

Every. Single. Month.

It torments me. It consumes me. It completely takes over any sanity I thought I'd had.

Can you imagine mourning the loss of someone dying every month? Trying to go through the five stages of grief in a matter of days, or even hours?

Every Month, this is what it feels like to have infertility.

- Heather

Not UsefuL

Not Helpful.

I start to feel useless when people talk about being pregnant. I feel my shoulders shrug, my head lower, my eyes stare at nothing.

I don't feel needed.

While I love children more than anything, I feel completely incompetent around pregnant woman.  I long to understand. I like to give advice, encouragement, support. It's easier not to. I can't relate. I can imagine, but I cannot relate.

I lose confidence.

Pregnancy is something to be experienced.
Just as infertility is something to be tolerated.

Just as I struggle to hear advice from someone who has never gone through infertility, I feel useless to a good friend who is pregnant.

I don't understand.
Neither do they.

How are we to meet in the middle ?

- Heather

Not a mother.

Sometimes it stings.
Sometimes it nags.
Other times it lingers.
Mostly it remains.

I hold my head in my hands...waiting.

My heart is breaking slowly...constantly.

It seems like I am slipping......always.

My hope is apathetic....daily.

I imagined it differently. I imagined it to be easier. I imagined it to come naturally.
I didn't imagine this.

I wasn't prepared for this.

I feel selfish being sad. I'm not dying. I'm not physically ill. I'm not injured. I'm not starving. I find myself comparing my situation to the hardships of others, and it seems so minor and unimportant.

Unimportant. Misunderstood. Overlooked.


I'm not a million things, but I'm not a mother either.

- Heather

Years ago....

I'm struggling to depict what sort of emotion I'm feeling right now.

It's not hope, it's not despair, it's not avoidance, it just exists.

Infertility seems like that on most days.
Not hoping, not avoiding, not despairing, just the existence of your condition.

Some days I don't want to be uplifted. I don't want the advice, encouragement, and support friends and family can bring. I don't want to read uplifting quotes, read inspirational stories, hear about success rates, etc. 

Years ago, I heard all those stories, that support, that encouragement. Years ago.
Years ago, when I was able to take that support and encouragement and truly be inspired that some day, hopefully soon, I would be a mother.

Years ago.

Today, it seems repetitive, though I still long for comfort, advice, and encouragement from people, it impacts me less. I find myself often smiling and nodding, and responding with less emotion on the subject than I had in the past. 

I'm not trying to be brave.
I am not particularly optimistic.
I'm not filled with anger like I once was.

I. Just. Am.

-heather

Hopeful ?

It's hard to be hopeful.

I really really want to be hopeful. I want to be able to start imagining my life differently. I want to be able to start imagining myself as a mother.

It seems dangerous. If I hope, my dreams will unfortunately, undoubtedly, come crashing down. If I don't hope, I find myself sinking into a deep depression of reality and loss.

I'm struggling to decide what to feel. Is hope better than avoidance? Is hope better than a realistic approach?

I'm almost afraid to feel to happy. I don't know quite how to describe this, or why this happens, but I find myself holding back even though I intend not to.

I'm not purposefully trying to deprive myself of happiness.

I don't feel as though I'm trying to punish myself for not being a mother right now.

I'm cautious because I never know how long my hope will last. At times, I may feel hopeful for days, perhaps even weeks. Inevitably, this feeling passes as well.

I am consistently inconsistent.

-Heather. 

Not taken seriously.

Infertility is not taken seriously enough.

Infertility is brushed aside.
It seems small in comparison to what others are going through. It is not recognized by society as something that should be so debilitating. It is not recognized as a disease, an illness, a medical condition. If anything, it is recognized as a mental state of mind. 

It never feels real.
It feels like what I'm going through is made up.
I'm not in pain.
I function normally.
I am not hospitalized
How can I have such disease with such unrecognizable side effects.

It feels hidden. 
It feels like it should be kept secret.

If you physically feel pain, you know the pain exists.

What does it mean when you feel nothing? 

- Heather

Telling People

I'd rather keep things to myself.
I'd rather not share my personal struggles so openly.
I'd rather isolate.

When I do share, I tend to judge. I judge people's reactions (without wanting to). I judge how much they listen, what they reply, how sincere they sounded. I don't want to do this, but it happens every time.

It takes courage to admit something like infertility. It takes acknowledgement that it's actually happening. It makes you trust the person you are sharing this information with, you trust that they will actually know what to say.

Unfortunately, most people don't know what to say. 
It's worse to say nothing though.

It's worse to give generic advice.

Force me to talk about it. Force me to tell you details. Force me to not feel stupid when I finally do share. Force yourself to listen.

- Heather.

Taking Advice

Needing Help.

I'd rather not.

I don't take advice easily. Mostly, I listen and decide for myself whether or not it even seems plausible. 

I always think I am above other people's advice. I don't mean to feel this way, but it's part of my very essence; independently stubborn. 

It does not come naturally to me.
It DOES come naturally to give advice. 

Taking advice on infertility has been challenging. I find myself almost annoyed when someone tells me what I should be doing. When I should, in fact, be listening.

I am not the expert on infertility.

I know this. I admit this. I identify this. I cannot control it.

Which brings me to the root of needing help; lack of control. It's devastating to feel like despite your every want and intention, you ultimately have no control over the situation. 

Devastating does not even begin to describe it.

- Heather

Listening.

I enjoy listening to others, in fact, it's my job.

When it comes to infertility, I fall short on my ability to listen. 
It takes extreme patience, tolerance, will power, and strength to listen to someone talk about their pregnancy. Whether it be good things or bad things, I usually just nod, smile, and say as little as possible.

The problem is not that I don't care.
I care.
I care more than I am able to express.

The problem is my ability to objectively listen. I am not able to remove myself from my own situation, to have true understanding of what a pregnant person is going through. I long to be able to to do this, but I simply cannot.

It feels too close to my heart.

- Heather

It's not that I'm.........

It's not that I'm ungrateful.

I look around at my life, and truly honestly believe without a doubt that I am blessed.

I'm blessed with more than I could ever ask for.

It's not that I'm lacking.

I have many people who love me, care for me, and think highly of me, and know what a wonderful, honest, loving person I am.

It's not that I'm not trusting.

I trust that this will all work out. I honestly, somewhere in my heart, truly believe this. I trust that the plans I have for myself are small in comparison what my life will really be like.

It's that I can't forget.

I can't forget the longing, wants, and hope.

I can't forget the what if's, the uncertainty, and the sadness.

I cannot shake this thought.

Within a second, it comes crashing back into my life usually unexpected and unplanned.

Even the brightest days hold an eerie sense of darkness,

as though I am constantly waiting for something that may never come.

- Heather

Embarassing.

It feels embarrassing to talk about infertility.

Such an intimate, private, and delicate subject.

It feels embarrassing to share such personal details. Telling complete strangers things I myself would feel awkward even telling my closest friends. It's expected that we share these openly, freely, and without hesitation.

It's not normal.

It's embarrassing to try to explain myself. I find myself wanting to give excuses for why my body may be acting a certain way or self diagnosing.  You feel embarrassed and powerless. My independent, self assured, free spirit feels overtaken.  Despite all my positive efforts I've made in my life, you feel embarrassed because it seems like it's your fault. It's your own fault you can't have children. Whether this is true or not, doubt sets in.

It's embarrassing even writing about it. I don't even give any details, and it embarrasses me.

I dont' like needing help.

I don't like that my own body will not do what it's meant to do.

I don't like sharing my private life with public people.

It's embarrassing.

- Heather