Battle

I'm fighting the urge to slip back into a self loathing uninspiring state.
I'm fighting writing from this place, because right now, it is not beneficial.

I feel as though I'm teetering quite dangerously on pure joy and complete and utter devastation. I do not want devastation to win.

You start to feel crazy having this inner battle so frequently. 

It takes
every ounce of prayer, faith, hope, courage, and strength to continue to remain positive when my mind is tempting me to not.

Infertility has such a tight grip in my emotions that despite all the strength I can muster, it does not always mean I will win in the end.

So, I'm battling, with the weapons I know best.

- Heather

Embracing Joy ?

Have you ever been terrified of your own happiness?
Completely terrified?

I've felt happiness, sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, and hurt.

Right now I'm feeling happy and it's terrifying.
I'm aware that this is not the natural reaction to this feeling.

It's terrifying because I fear that it will be fleeting.

Despite my many negative, self deprecating, depressing journal entries, I've had many many moments of joy these past few years...more than I can imagine. I'm aware of these and acknowledge them.

Now is a moment of joy and this is my attempt to embrace it,

Heather

Surrender.

This is my plan.
This is my want.

Surrender.

"to give (oneself) up to some influence, course, emotion, etc.:"

"to give up, abandon, or relinquish (comfort, hope, etc.)"

"to yield or resign (an office, privilege, etc.) in favor of another."

"to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield."

Surrender my loneliness, my fears, my wants, my disappointments, my anger, my denial, my sadness, my thoughts, my heartache, my concerns, my anxiety.

Surrender.

A goal which is not easy, but a goal I wish to accomplish. It feels self destructive to continue to feel so isolated.

So,
for today at least,

Surrendering,

Heather

Failure.

I have had my identity stolen.

It hasn't been a quick process, but parts of me are now unrecognizable.
The anger I feel at times.
The anxiety.
The depression that casts shadows on even my happiest moments.
The confusion that is constant.

Thoughts and feelings like this are not foreign to me, however, prolonged feelings which my new identity possesses are. 

I feel as though I'm grasping at what I once was.
Parts of her still exist.
When I feel most myself, I feel strong, in control, powerful, happy, optimistic, and trusting.
At my worst I feel anxious, apprehensive, depressed, exhausted, and despite my best efforts, a failure.

Recently the word failure has been tormenting me more than others. It cannot be shaken. It cannot be brushed off. It continues to creep back into my vocabulary and sits there...lurking...waiting for the right moment when it can over power any optimism I have and silence it.

It has a strong grasp that I am not powerful enough to break.

I know the steps to take to get rid of it, to silence it, but my feet feel shackled.

Motionless,
Heather

It feels like..

It feels as though this isn't happening.
It's not that I'm in denial.
I'm no longer so angry.

I sit in disbelief.

It feels as though this won't ever change.
I'm bound to carry out my life
childless.

I know this is not true.

It feels like it.
This is the common theme in all of my thoughts. My future may be full of complete and utter joy; I guarantee you it is.

Right now.
Right in this moment.
Right in this breath

It feels unchanging.

This is the thought that is hardest to get over. It's not the hoping, it's not what's past, it's right now.

Childless while wanting.

- Heather

Infertility clench.

It seems unnatural to always be writing from such a dark place and state of mind.
It seems unlike me.
I feel oppressed and imprisoned by my own thoughts on this.
I feel robbed of my own happiness without the ability to free myself.
Caught in a web of craziness that is holding me tight.
It has such an unbending grip.

It feels unpleasant to attempt to explain this feeling.
I hate exploring this dark place.
It's not filled with brilliance and resilience my mind knows exists.
It's filled with chaos and self doubt
that is never fleeting.

It feels selfish to be writing from a place like this.

It.
Doesn't.
Fit.
Me.

- Heather

Defeated.

Stranded, wounded, desolate
guarded, tired, innocent.

heavy burden weighing down
inward shaken without sound.

Careful, careless, crying too
lack of hope and follow through.

Circling, dancing, spinning round,
dazed unable to be found.

slipping slowly into night
weapons down, I surrender this fight.

courage vanquished.
spirit vanished.
 Infertility wins, and I am finished

- Heather

When

Usually in the smallest moments it rings the loudest.

Inconceivably loud.
Unexpectedly aware.

It happens suddenly while I feel my bravest.

Rushing forcefully.
Pounding ceaselessly.

My own spirit cannot face it.

Doubting always.
Soul yearning.


Yes.
It usually happens in the smallest moment,
I fall to pieces, anxiety torments.

When Will I become What I made to be.

- Heather
 

There Between.....

There between the moments lie
Shadows casting darkened light
Melding into sunny days
Walking absent into haze.

 Restless, powerless, unannounced
lacking feeling void of sound
Carelessly hopeful consistently
focused solely; infertility

Stinging less yet sometimes more
Heart is broken, slowly torn
Flashes of light...End in sight...?

The constant unknown, holds no bounds. 

- Heather