AcHe.

It's continuous little heart aches, sometimes.
Not always a long drawn out sorrow.

It comes in flashes and moments.

Sometimes it starts out as joy, but turns into an ache.
A tight clenching......
A distant look.........
Speechless.

But then it's over.
The moment passes.
Clarity resumes.

Until ...

That's the problem, there's always the uncertainty of 'until'.

- Heather

Not always

Today it is easy.
Today I am able to look at pictures of families and babies and smile.
Genuinely smile.

It frustrates me that I continually go back at forth with my emotions.
That within a matter of minutes, hours, or days, the exact same situations can either be exciting or completely unbearable.

It clouds my vision, to be in this constant state of chaos in my own mind.

Balance always seems out of reach, at least on a consistent basis.

I do want to be happy.
Most days, despite what I write on here, I am filled with more thoughts of joy than sadness. I never escape the wanting, the hoping, the dreaming, but it doesn't not always consume me.

So today, at least, it was easy.

- Heather

Website

www.resolve.org

Information on Infertility

Ask Me.

You wouldn't know this about me unless I told you.
You wouldn't be able to gather this information from my body language, my appearance, my interactions.
You wouldn't know this about me based on my positive attitude, happiness, easy going nature.

You wouldn't know unless you asked.

Ask.

It's extremely difficult for me, or for others for that matter, to just bring this up in conversation.
To casually just say ' yeah, I have infertility' and then try to start a casual conversation about.

It's not a casual topic.
It's personal.
Extremely personal.
Personal to the point of being awkward if you think about it too much.

I'm telling you now.
 
So ask me about it.
Ask me how I'm doing, how I'm feeling.

Just. Ask.

- Heather

AdviCe

' Everything happens for a reason'

True.
This is a true statement.
It doesn't make it a positive statement, or a comforting statement.
In fact, it seems less than comforting.


'Just be patient'

I am being patient, at least I feel as though I am.
Patience cannot be measured.
Patience is ambiguous.
What I consider patience may differ from what someone else considers patience.

'I understand'

Doubt it.
Doubt is apparent always.
Doubt in my situation.
Doubt in my friends.
When I say 'I doubt it', I am challenging you to try.

'Don't worry'

Impossible.
Though I'm usually the one giving this advice, I find this increasingly hard to follow.
I agree that worrying is pointless.
I agree than it is completely useless.
It remains a constant.

'There's hope'

There is.
I know there is.
However, this phrase is somehow unsettling to me.
It makes me grimmace.
In my heart and soul, and I am not completely sure of it's truth.


 - Heather

A simpLe SiGh

I sigh as I write this.

It feels inevitable to sigh.
I'm never quite sure what I'm sighing about.

The sound of infertility is sometimes a sigh.
A sigh when you are feeling silenced.
When you are trying to be patient.
When you have no words.

The sound of a broken heart is sometimes a sigh.
A sigh of yearning.
A sigh of disappointment.
A sigh of acceptance.


Most feelings cannot be put into words.
This is why often times when I am asked how I am feeling, I sigh.

A sigh means a lot of things, though it rarely means happiness.

-Heather

Abandoned.

That's what it seems like.
Somewhere, deep down, I'd like to believe it's not true.
It's not true that all my friends who are pregnant, or have children, have moved on with their lives and forgotten about me. It always feels like this.

What a joy it must be like to move on.
To have a concrete ending, and a new beginning.

I say abandoned, because I feel this way often.
I feel lonely.
I feel completely over sensitive.

Situations that should be easy to work through, become filled with anxiety.

I take things personally.
I live with passion and empathy, and find myself filled with doubt and concern even when something happens that is miniscule....to cry for no reason....to not cry when it seems you should...

Abandoned.
Forgotten.
Overlooked.

- Heather

Description of pain.

Devastated.
Crushed.
Broken.
Indifferent.
Speechless.
Forlorn.
Pathetic.
Guilty.
Jealous.
Restless.
Overwhelmed.
Annoyed.
Saddened.

Left Behind.

Hopeless.
Tearful.
Overlooked.
Anxious.
Let down.
Pained.
Selfish.
Worried.
Depressed.

I can't help but react this way.
I find out someone is pregnant.

- Heather

Epic Fail

Epic Fail.

Each Month; Epic Fail.

The torment this brings.

Every single month, for all these years; Epic Fail.

Some months start out hopeful. I feel as though 'yes, this will be the month'. I find myself hoping, dreaming, wishing, almost planning.

Epic Fail.

At times, it feels as though I'm mourning the loss the someone that has died...Every.....Single......Month.

Every. Single. Month.

It torments me. It consumes me. It completely takes over any sanity I thought I'd had.

Can you imagine mourning the loss of someone dying every month? Trying to go through the five stages of grief in a matter of days, or even hours?

Every Month, this is what it feels like to have infertility.

- Heather