BroKen ReCord

BroKen Record?

I second guess myself.
Should I talk about it?
Should I stay silent?
I want both at the same time.

I want to share the daily details with you. I want to share my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams, my constant confusion, my wants, my angst.

When does it start to get..annoying?
Is it annoying now?

A certain paranoia sets in, one that is probably not justified. A paranoia that people are tired of hearing about your infertility. They are tired of supporting you, listening, being patient, trying to understand.

Like I said, this is probably not justified.

As with any diagnosis, the person with the diagnosis starts to have overwhelming awareness that they are indeed talking about this a lot.

I can't stop though.
I'd like to, I'd like to regulate it, but I keep coming back to it.

Broken ReCord ?

- Heather

WaVeS

It seems to be washing over me, fluidly
Slowly, persistently, indifferent.
It captures my courage,  with out hesitation.
I find myself stunned.

Waves of fear, denial, guilt
Surround me, ravage me, quietly
It terrifies me, unquestionably.
I find myself swallowed.

I reach unsuccessfully; foolishly
Crashing downward, quickly.
It embraces me, whole
I find myself smothered.
- Heather

What is it?

It's subtle.
Dull..aching...sometimes unnoticed.
It continues.
slowly...unwanted...constant.
It's dark.
empty...lonely...hidden.
It's unmentionable.
silent...embarrassing...shameful.
It's misunderstood.
ignorant...assumptions...inconsistent
It's sad.
heart breaking...depressing....angst.

It's honest.
open..abrupt...blunt.
It's inspiring.
courageous...strong...motivating.
It's a part of me.
always...

- Heather

I RecOgNiZe.

Sometimes I don't want to talk about.
Over and over and over and over.
Going over the same stories, the same feelings, the same facts, the same emotions, the same...

It's draining.

Not talking about it is also draining.
Holding it in, hiding, ignoring, pretending...

I just want it to be over with.
I don't want to wait days, weeks, months, years.

I recognize that I sound impatient.
I recognize that this is a time where I truly need to be patient and understanding.
I need to have courage, determination, resilience, hope.
I need to have trust, above all.

I recognize this.
What if I can't do it though.

- Heather

Free

Free.

Free from wondering, worrying, wishing, hoping, failing, trying, thinking, waiting, caring, lying, pretending, explaining, wanting, telling, giving, obsessing, listening, searching, studying, asking, dreaming...

Free.

Being free.
Infertility Free.

 Free to go about my life with harmony and peace consistently.
Free to not judge my own validation.
 Free to my own privacy.

Free to continue, and not remain in the in between.

- Heather

How am I feeling about my infertility.

As I sat down to write, I asked myself ' how am I feeling about my infertility'.

How.
am.
I 
Feeling.
About.
my.
infertility.

hopeless?
hopeful?
indifferent?
casual?
comical?

All and none of the above. There often isn't a certain way I am feeling about it. There isn't a certain adjective I can always describe it as. It's not always defined.

However, it always exists. 
If I see a pregnant woman, it doesn't increase or decrease the fact that I have infertility.
If I long to be a mother, it doesn't mean that it will happen or that it won't happen.

So, 'how am I feeling about my infertility' ?

No words can depict.

- heather

Opposites.

I may have been just fooling myself.

I'm not at peace.
I'm not at war.

I'm neither.

Existing in an unbalanced, unrehearsed, unmentionable in between of both.

I am both happy and sad at the same time.
I recognize both beauty and ugliness.
I'm determined yet hopeless.
Patient and restless.

It continues to plague my thoughts, yet I'm easily distracted.

Definitely.
Struggling.
to Focus.

- Heather

Happy ?

It's strange to feel this way.
I don't know if it's hopeful, at peace, happy, or what.
It's foreign to feel this way about my infertility. 

I hope the feeling stays.
I hope it lasts long enough for my to truly grasp on to it, and hold it tight.
I hope.

It's always hoping.
Always hoping that  you've made it through the worst part, the denial, the anger, the sadness, the guilt.
Never knowing if the peace you feel is really it.

Is this feeling real ?

Heather

Can'T SpEak

I start to feel stupid.

Stupid may be the wrong word, but it's s start.

I feel this way, because I struggle to explain myself when people ask. I tend to be very brief with my explanation as to why I can't have children. I rush my story. Every time.

I feel stupid trying to explain something that quite honestly, is unexplainable.
If I were to truly explain what it feels like to deal with infertility on a daily basis, I would become overwhelming. I would go into long descriptions of the heartache and pain you feel within a matter of seconds. The complete disbelief that consumes you........ this can't be happening to me. I would overwhelmingly try to explain how even the smallest thing can set back all your positive thoughts, prayers, hopes, and wants.

I understand that there probably is middle ground.
There's a way to effectively, honestly, and openly explain yourself without sounds stupid, and without being overwhelming.

For me, it's this. I may not able to talk to you about it, but I am able to write about it.

- Heather

REsTLeSS

I am just going to let it go..

That's what I tell myself everyday.
Today will be the day I can finally be at peace.

It happens.
It truly happens. 
I start to feel completely at peace...

Sometimes it lasts only minutes
Other times it lasts hours

But thoughts creep in.

You know that feeling when you know that you need to sleep. You know it's way past your bed time. You know your body is tired, exhausted, and worn...but you can't sleep.

Restless.
It feels this way trying to let go. 
I'm anxiously calm.

I know what I should do, I know how I should feel, I know I crave to relax and let go.

Something.
Always.
Still.
Hangs on.

- Heather

Mother's Day

This is the third year in a row I have been hoping to celebrate Mother's Day.

I get anxiety thinking about it.

I'm trying not to.
I'm trying to stay relaxed, calm, accepting, and happy for all the wonderful mothers out there (including my own).

I am trying.

It's like a small twitch when someone mentions it.
I get a brief mental image of a pregnant woman, or a mom with kids, or a grandma.
What joy that must be...to be someone's mother.

I understand that mother's are overlooked.
They are overlooked for all the wonderful, selfless, loving, beautiful light they bring into this world.

My heart is heavy knowing that I am once again not a mother this year.

- Heather

Infertility PoetRy

It feels ridiculous to be working this hard.
It feels unnatural to be so calculated.

It is hard to not feel jealous of others who can get pregnant so easily.

It is hard, that's an understatement.
It makes my teeth clench, my heart break, and my spirit fade.

I'd rather not be writing 'poetry' about infertility.
It is not my chosen topic.
It is not something I crave to feel.
It is not something I long to write about.


I write about it because I don't know what else to do.

After years of going through this, I am constantly wondering how to manage.

- Heather

UnExpressAblE.

Although I've been able to write about my emotions quite openly, I'm also struggling with something that I can't even express.

It's a feeling for which there is no word for. 
It's intangible.

I'm grasping at what I'm trying to say. 

Whatever the feeling is, it is heavy.
It's a significant weight that lifts momentarily but resumes immediately.
It can be suffocating.

Someone once described infertility as drowning.
You know that you need to get to the surface.
You know you need to breathe.
You know struggling may just make it worse, but not fighting will inevitably ruin you.
Drowning...

It's not quite that, but it's close.

It can be painful to realize something is continually happening to you and you have no control over it.

- Heather


 

GuilT

There's a sense of guilt I feel, for being so consumed by this.
There's an anxious, overwhelming, selfish guilt I identify with; especially when my mom has cancer.

I feel ridiculous, most times, obsessing over this.
Over and over and over.

Despite my best intentions, I often fall short.
When my thoughts are clear, I think about how brave, strong, and independent I am. 
I think about how helpful I can be, how compassionate I am towards others.

When my thoughts are clouded, guilt, anxiety, and fear set it.
I cannot shake those thoughts.

While my mom has cancer,
I'm worried about getting pregnant.

I am almost embarrassed to be sad for myself.
I feel ashamed for being so selfish.


- Heather