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If this is your first time visiting this site, I'd suggest you start reading from the beginning (February). If you have time, I'd encourage you to read previous blog posts to understand what control infertility has had over my life, and how it may have affected how I treat those around me.

Over the past 6 months I decided to document emotions, feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, and pressures that go along with infertility.

The posts that I have written are very honest, raw, and at times very hopeless. While I am not a hopeless person, infertility made me feel this way. If you have questions or comments, I would enjoy hearing feedback.

Thank you, Heather

Adoption

Check out our adoption story:

www.babyrobinsonrocks.blogspot.com

Battle

I'm fighting the urge to slip back into a self loathing uninspiring state.
I'm fighting writing from this place, because right now, it is not beneficial.

I feel as though I'm teetering quite dangerously on pure joy and complete and utter devastation. I do not want devastation to win.

You start to feel crazy having this inner battle so frequently. 

It takes
every ounce of prayer, faith, hope, courage, and strength to continue to remain positive when my mind is tempting me to not.

Infertility has such a tight grip in my emotions that despite all the strength I can muster, it does not always mean I will win in the end.

So, I'm battling, with the weapons I know best.

- Heather

Embracing Joy ?

Have you ever been terrified of your own happiness?
Completely terrified?

I've felt happiness, sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, and hurt.

Right now I'm feeling happy and it's terrifying.
I'm aware that this is not the natural reaction to this feeling.

It's terrifying because I fear that it will be fleeting.

Despite my many negative, self deprecating, depressing journal entries, I've had many many moments of joy these past few years...more than I can imagine. I'm aware of these and acknowledge them.

Now is a moment of joy and this is my attempt to embrace it,

Heather

Surrender.

This is my plan.
This is my want.

Surrender.

"to give (oneself) up to some influence, course, emotion, etc.:"

"to give up, abandon, or relinquish (comfort, hope, etc.)"

"to yield or resign (an office, privilege, etc.) in favor of another."

"to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield."

Surrender my loneliness, my fears, my wants, my disappointments, my anger, my denial, my sadness, my thoughts, my heartache, my concerns, my anxiety.

Surrender.

A goal which is not easy, but a goal I wish to accomplish. It feels self destructive to continue to feel so isolated.

So,
for today at least,

Surrendering,

Heather

Failure.

I have had my identity stolen.

It hasn't been a quick process, but parts of me are now unrecognizable.
The anger I feel at times.
The anxiety.
The depression that casts shadows on even my happiest moments.
The confusion that is constant.

Thoughts and feelings like this are not foreign to me, however, prolonged feelings which my new identity possesses are. 

I feel as though I'm grasping at what I once was.
Parts of her still exist.
When I feel most myself, I feel strong, in control, powerful, happy, optimistic, and trusting.
At my worst I feel anxious, apprehensive, depressed, exhausted, and despite my best efforts, a failure.

Recently the word failure has been tormenting me more than others. It cannot be shaken. It cannot be brushed off. It continues to creep back into my vocabulary and sits there...lurking...waiting for the right moment when it can over power any optimism I have and silence it.

It has a strong grasp that I am not powerful enough to break.

I know the steps to take to get rid of it, to silence it, but my feet feel shackled.

Motionless,
Heather

It feels like..

It feels as though this isn't happening.
It's not that I'm in denial.
I'm no longer so angry.

I sit in disbelief.

It feels as though this won't ever change.
I'm bound to carry out my life
childless.

I know this is not true.

It feels like it.
This is the common theme in all of my thoughts. My future may be full of complete and utter joy; I guarantee you it is.

Right now.
Right in this moment.
Right in this breath

It feels unchanging.

This is the thought that is hardest to get over. It's not the hoping, it's not what's past, it's right now.

Childless while wanting.

- Heather