Honesty.

Even while writing this I think to myself, who wants to read a depressing, self loathing blog. Who wants to read about pain that is endured, yet pain that is seemingly minimal. Who wants to read ranting from 29 year old woman.

It doesn't matter who wants to read it.
I am not writing this for you.

I'm writing this as a form of self expression; think of it like a piece of art, a painting perhaps.
Dark, dreary, intriguing, sad, but somehow functioning optimistically.

Art is often undefinable because it is ambiguous.

My writing feels the opposite.
My writing feels honest and exposed.

I don't want to be deceptive.
I don't want to undermine the infertility journey.
I don't want it to be brushed aside and overlooked.

Here's my voice.
Crying.
Screaming.
Shouting.
Whispering

Honesty.

- Heather

I....

I can't always create beauty with my words.
Some days they come out ugly, repetitive, annoying.

I can't always relay what I want to say.
Some days I go around in circles never really focusing on a point.

I can't make someone care.
Some days, I desperately want people to read this.

I can't get pregnant.
Every. single. day. this is very real to me.

I can't stop talking about  it.
I'm so annoying with this, it's inexpressible.

I can't stop saying 'I can't'
I wish it weren't this way, but it somehow has woven its way into my vocabulary.

- Heather

CAN'T

It's easier to believe in doubt than hope.

Imagining the worst case scenario seems realistic. 

It takes strength to have hope.
It takes optimism, resilience, character, and trust.

I feel broken down by the weight of this all.
Crushed into a smaller, less capable version of myself.
Spirit demolished.

Trying to get over something that remains constant is like
Staring at the sun without looking away. 
Running through rain while staying dry.
Closing your eyes and navigating your way through traffic.

Impossible.

It feels impossible.
I feel that there is no end. There is no cure. There is no answer.

I know what I should do. I know what advice I should take. I know the steps I should follow.

Should.
Should.
Should.

can't. -Heather

Wandering

"Not all who wander are lost"

True.

However,

"All who are lost, wander"

Seems to be more applicable to my situation.  I feel like I am constantly wandering from one place to the next. Hoping, wishing, praying that whatever I do next will sure make my pregnant. Some days I feel as thought I'm honestly wandering aimlessly, and that everything I am doing to try and get pregnant is completely pointless and that I should honestly just stop. 

I'm so tired of wandering.
I'm worn out from this journey that has no end.

I feel as though I'm meandering my way through unknown territory. Despite having many helping hands along the the way, I have still not reached my destination. I have no idea if I'm even close.

I wish there was a definite answer.

- Heather

Waiting.

Waiting for the moment when this all makes sense.
Waiting for a hint of explanation.
Waiting for my heavy heart to lift.
Waiting for a change in my perception.

Heather

TryinG

I'm trying.

I know it may seem like perhaps I'm not.
Like perhaps I'm wallowing in self pity, hopelessness, despair.
Don't get me wrong. 
I am doing all of those things...consistently.

I am trying though.
I'm trying not to over think, some days I am able to bypass those thoughts. I'm able to stop obsessing. I'm able to think clearly, openly, and honestly.

One word continues to occupy my mind.
One word continues to creep into my life, even on my darkest day.
It's a word I sometimes suppress.
It's a word I like to deny.

It means I have to keep trying, despite my yearning to quit.


Resilient:  returning to the original form or position after being bent, compressed, or stretched

- Heather

Prayer

Dear God,

I'm so worn out.
My heart is feeling heavy.
I am not optimistic.
I cannot shake this feeling.

I'm scared.
I'm struggling to trust in your plans.
I'm filled with doubt, anxiety, fear, and apprehension.
I am not filled with peace.

I find myself pessimistic.
My inner joy has been stolen.

I don't even know what to pray.

- Heather

FAILURE

You don't mean to, but you start to feel like a failure.
a complete, unexpected, irrelevant failure.

I don't want to feel this way.
I don't want to feel like I am inept.

I'm lacking insight right now.

I can only think about that one word; failure.
Why even keep trying.
?
Why keep trying over and over again.

I have many reasons to try.
I have many reasons not to.

There's a quote that says 'Failure is not an option'
But that's not true.
Failure is always an option.

Heather

Doubt

Starting over...

When you decide to start a new journey, it means that you must leave the old one behind.
At times, this can be extremely exhilarating.
At times, this can propel you forward with hope and optimism.

Starting over feels like this initially.
It feels right, it feels hopeful..

But, as always, it sets in.

What if what I'm doing doesn't work either?

Doubt sets in. You'll notice doubt as a theme throughout most of my entries. Doubt in what I'm doing. Doubt that it will work. Doubt ... doubt....doubt....

Honestly, I know that this is not a way to live. It's not a good idea to be filled with doubt. It's not helpful, useful, productive, or positive.

Doubt will get you know where.
Doubt will destroy all the things you hope for.
Doubt will challenge you even on your happiest days.


Unfortunately,
today,
I'm doubting.

- Heather

I have

I have the desire to create beauty.
I have the passion to embrace devastation.
I have the courage to encounter pain
I have the will to hope for inspiration.

I have the spirit to endure agony.
I have the strength to continue on.
I have the grief to acknowledge reality.
I have the hope that I'm not wrong.

I HaVe.

- Heather

Quote Analysis.

"Whatever the present moment contains, embrace it as if you had chosen it"

Whatever the present..
However you are feeling...this moment right now.....current thoughts.

Moment contains...
Is filled with.....captures.....embodies

Embrace it... 
hold on.....don't let go.....hug.....squeeze.

as if you...
yourself....I....me.....an individual

had chosen it....
decided....picked.....claimed.



- Heather

Why write about it?

The reason I started writing this blog was to offer insight, acknowledgement, and awareness.
I hoped to create something beautiful from an ugly situation.

As I've mentioned before, I would rather not be writing about this. 
I would rather not be sharing this private part of my life so publicly.

I write because it feels too important to stay silenced, despite the topic I am writing about being completely depressing.
I write because sharing your struggles so openly is healing and absolutely terrifying at the same time.

It's so overwhelming to contain these thoughts of hopeless, that writing them out gives them a purpose. 
I need to write.
I need to see my heart break, but know that while it's breaking, it's also gathering courage and strength...or so I am told.

Some days I can feel it. I can feel bits and pieces of my life become more beautiful through the pain.

I believe in optimism.
I believe in hope.
I believe both are essential.

I also believe in reality.

Today, I am not sure which side wins.
 - Heather