Years ago....

I'm struggling to depict what sort of emotion I'm feeling right now.

It's not hope, it's not despair, it's not avoidance, it just exists.

Infertility seems like that on most days.
Not hoping, not avoiding, not despairing, just the existence of your condition.

Some days I don't want to be uplifted. I don't want the advice, encouragement, and support friends and family can bring. I don't want to read uplifting quotes, read inspirational stories, hear about success rates, etc. 

Years ago, I heard all those stories, that support, that encouragement. Years ago.
Years ago, when I was able to take that support and encouragement and truly be inspired that some day, hopefully soon, I would be a mother.

Years ago.

Today, it seems repetitive, though I still long for comfort, advice, and encouragement from people, it impacts me less. I find myself often smiling and nodding, and responding with less emotion on the subject than I had in the past. 

I'm not trying to be brave.
I am not particularly optimistic.
I'm not filled with anger like I once was.

I. Just. Am.

-heather