Hopeful ?

It's hard to be hopeful.

I really really want to be hopeful. I want to be able to start imagining my life differently. I want to be able to start imagining myself as a mother.

It seems dangerous. If I hope, my dreams will unfortunately, undoubtedly, come crashing down. If I don't hope, I find myself sinking into a deep depression of reality and loss.

I'm struggling to decide what to feel. Is hope better than avoidance? Is hope better than a realistic approach?

I'm almost afraid to feel to happy. I don't know quite how to describe this, or why this happens, but I find myself holding back even though I intend not to.

I'm not purposefully trying to deprive myself of happiness.

I don't feel as though I'm trying to punish myself for not being a mother right now.

I'm cautious because I never know how long my hope will last. At times, I may feel hopeful for days, perhaps even weeks. Inevitably, this feeling passes as well.

I am consistently inconsistent.

-Heather.