Monday, February 18, 2013

'Do you have kids?'

I am never sure where to start, when someone asks the question 'Do you have kids'. 
A million thoughts run through my head, and usually I hesitate before simply smiling and politely saying 'nope'. It is rare that I would go into more detail than this. 

Is it shame that I stay silent? fear? jealousy? 

I believe I struggle to tell people because I do not want their pity. 
I do not tell people because I fear as though they will attempt to understand. 

It is not something to be understood.
It is something that has to be felt, anguished, and tolerated.

Despite my usually optimistic outlook on life, I find this secret, this burden that I have been carrying, to out shadow all other aspects of my life.  Within seconds of feeling completely euphoric and elated, I immediately crash to the exact opposite; desolate and unattached.

It is painful to realize that other people's happiness can make you feel so lost and completely unable to cope.

It does not necessarily get easier; just more routine.
It is no longer shocking to me, that I am not pregnant. Mostly, it makes me feel numb.

The anguish and anxiety of not knowing if I will ever be a mother has silenced me, usually unable to even express this, I am not even sure how to finish this sentence.

And that is what it feels like to be dealing with infertility; always something unfinished.


- Heather




No comments:

Post a Comment