Apologizing and Guilt

I find myself apologizing.

Apologizing for things I can't say, but should.

Apologizing for avoiding people, situations, and conversations.

It feels lonely.

I apologize because it comes naturally. It's easier to say 'sorry I can't make it' than to force myself into a situation which will undoubtedly crush me. I use the words 'crush me' losely, as there have been times where it takes me days, weeks, months, or years to even recover from someone saying 'I'm pregnant'.

Then sets in the guilt.

As someone who celebrates people's success, I feel incredibly guilty for distancing myself. When someone shares that they are pregnant, they are beyond happy. They are entitled to start planning the next part of their life. They can imagine their child's room, name, and things they will do together.

Every part of me wants to help them celebrate too.

I shut down.

I grow distant.

I start apologizing.

I avoid.

Usually all I am left with is guilt.

It's a cycle I am unsure of how to fix, but one that is constant.

- Heather