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If this is your first time visiting this site, I'd suggest you start reading from the beginning (February). If you have time, I'd encourage you to read previous blog posts to understand what control infertility has had over my life, and how it may have affected how I treat those around me.

Over the past 6 months I decided to document emotions, feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, and pressures that go along with infertility.

The posts that I have written are very honest, raw, and at times very hopeless. While I am not a hopeless person, infertility made me feel this way. If you have questions or comments, I would enjoy hearing feedback.

Thank you, Heather

Adoption

Check out our adoption story:

www.babyrobinsonrocks.blogspot.com

Battle

I'm fighting the urge to slip back into a self loathing uninspiring state.
I'm fighting writing from this place, because right now, it is not beneficial.

I feel as though I'm teetering quite dangerously on pure joy and complete and utter devastation. I do not want devastation to win.

You start to feel crazy having this inner battle so frequently. 

It takes
every ounce of prayer, faith, hope, courage, and strength to continue to remain positive when my mind is tempting me to not.

Infertility has such a tight grip in my emotions that despite all the strength I can muster, it does not always mean I will win in the end.

So, I'm battling, with the weapons I know best.

- Heather

Embracing Joy ?

Have you ever been terrified of your own happiness?
Completely terrified?

I've felt happiness, sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, and hurt.

Right now I'm feeling happy and it's terrifying.
I'm aware that this is not the natural reaction to this feeling.

It's terrifying because I fear that it will be fleeting.

Despite my many negative, self deprecating, depressing journal entries, I've had many many moments of joy these past few years...more than I can imagine. I'm aware of these and acknowledge them.

Now is a moment of joy and this is my attempt to embrace it,

Heather

Surrender.

This is my plan.
This is my want.

Surrender.

"to give (oneself) up to some influence, course, emotion, etc.:"

"to give up, abandon, or relinquish (comfort, hope, etc.)"

"to yield or resign (an office, privilege, etc.) in favor of another."

"to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield."

Surrender my loneliness, my fears, my wants, my disappointments, my anger, my denial, my sadness, my thoughts, my heartache, my concerns, my anxiety.

Surrender.

A goal which is not easy, but a goal I wish to accomplish. It feels self destructive to continue to feel so isolated.

So,
for today at least,

Surrendering,

Heather

Failure.

I have had my identity stolen.

It hasn't been a quick process, but parts of me are now unrecognizable.
The anger I feel at times.
The anxiety.
The depression that casts shadows on even my happiest moments.
The confusion that is constant.

Thoughts and feelings like this are not foreign to me, however, prolonged feelings which my new identity possesses are. 

I feel as though I'm grasping at what I once was.
Parts of her still exist.
When I feel most myself, I feel strong, in control, powerful, happy, optimistic, and trusting.
At my worst I feel anxious, apprehensive, depressed, exhausted, and despite my best efforts, a failure.

Recently the word failure has been tormenting me more than others. It cannot be shaken. It cannot be brushed off. It continues to creep back into my vocabulary and sits there...lurking...waiting for the right moment when it can over power any optimism I have and silence it.

It has a strong grasp that I am not powerful enough to break.

I know the steps to take to get rid of it, to silence it, but my feet feel shackled.

Motionless,
Heather

It feels like..

It feels as though this isn't happening.
It's not that I'm in denial.
I'm no longer so angry.

I sit in disbelief.

It feels as though this won't ever change.
I'm bound to carry out my life
childless.

I know this is not true.

It feels like it.
This is the common theme in all of my thoughts. My future may be full of complete and utter joy; I guarantee you it is.

Right now.
Right in this moment.
Right in this breath

It feels unchanging.

This is the thought that is hardest to get over. It's not the hoping, it's not what's past, it's right now.

Childless while wanting.

- Heather

Infertility clench.

It seems unnatural to always be writing from such a dark place and state of mind.
It seems unlike me.
I feel oppressed and imprisoned by my own thoughts on this.
I feel robbed of my own happiness without the ability to free myself.
Caught in a web of craziness that is holding me tight.
It has such an unbending grip.

It feels unpleasant to attempt to explain this feeling.
I hate exploring this dark place.
It's not filled with brilliance and resilience my mind knows exists.
It's filled with chaos and self doubt
that is never fleeting.

It feels selfish to be writing from a place like this.

It.
Doesn't.
Fit.
Me.

- Heather

Defeated.

Stranded, wounded, desolate
guarded, tired, innocent.

heavy burden weighing down
inward shaken without sound.

Careful, careless, crying too
lack of hope and follow through.

Circling, dancing, spinning round,
dazed unable to be found.

slipping slowly into night
weapons down, I surrender this fight.

courage vanquished.
spirit vanished.
 Infertility wins, and I am finished

- Heather

When

Usually in the smallest moments it rings the loudest.

Inconceivably loud.
Unexpectedly aware.

It happens suddenly while I feel my bravest.

Rushing forcefully.
Pounding ceaselessly.

My own spirit cannot face it.

Doubting always.
Soul yearning.


Yes.
It usually happens in the smallest moment,
I fall to pieces, anxiety torments.

When Will I become What I made to be.

- Heather
 

There Between.....

There between the moments lie
Shadows casting darkened light
Melding into sunny days
Walking absent into haze.

 Restless, powerless, unannounced
lacking feeling void of sound
Carelessly hopeful consistently
focused solely; infertility

Stinging less yet sometimes more
Heart is broken, slowly torn
Flashes of light...End in sight...?

The constant unknown, holds no bounds. 

- Heather

Honesty.

Even while writing this I think to myself, who wants to read a depressing, self loathing blog. Who wants to read about pain that is endured, yet pain that is seemingly minimal. Who wants to read ranting from 29 year old woman.

It doesn't matter who wants to read it.
I am not writing this for you.

I'm writing this as a form of self expression; think of it like a piece of art, a painting perhaps.
Dark, dreary, intriguing, sad, but somehow functioning optimistically.

Art is often undefinable because it is ambiguous.

My writing feels the opposite.
My writing feels honest and exposed.

I don't want to be deceptive.
I don't want to undermine the infertility journey.
I don't want it to be brushed aside and overlooked.

Here's my voice.
Crying.
Screaming.
Shouting.
Whispering

Honesty.

- Heather

I....

I can't always create beauty with my words.
Some days they come out ugly, repetitive, annoying.

I can't always relay what I want to say.
Some days I go around in circles never really focusing on a point.

I can't make someone care.
Some days, I desperately want people to read this.

I can't get pregnant.
Every. single. day. this is very real to me.

I can't stop talking about  it.
I'm so annoying with this, it's inexpressible.

I can't stop saying 'I can't'
I wish it weren't this way, but it somehow has woven its way into my vocabulary.

- Heather

CAN'T

It's easier to believe in doubt than hope.

Imagining the worst case scenario seems realistic. 

It takes strength to have hope.
It takes optimism, resilience, character, and trust.

I feel broken down by the weight of this all.
Crushed into a smaller, less capable version of myself.
Spirit demolished.

Trying to get over something that remains constant is like
Staring at the sun without looking away. 
Running through rain while staying dry.
Closing your eyes and navigating your way through traffic.

Impossible.

It feels impossible.
I feel that there is no end. There is no cure. There is no answer.

I know what I should do. I know what advice I should take. I know the steps I should follow.

Should.
Should.
Should.

can't. -Heather

Wandering

"Not all who wander are lost"

True.

However,

"All who are lost, wander"

Seems to be more applicable to my situation.  I feel like I am constantly wandering from one place to the next. Hoping, wishing, praying that whatever I do next will sure make my pregnant. Some days I feel as thought I'm honestly wandering aimlessly, and that everything I am doing to try and get pregnant is completely pointless and that I should honestly just stop. 

I'm so tired of wandering.
I'm worn out from this journey that has no end.

I feel as though I'm meandering my way through unknown territory. Despite having many helping hands along the the way, I have still not reached my destination. I have no idea if I'm even close.

I wish there was a definite answer.

- Heather

Waiting.

Waiting for the moment when this all makes sense.
Waiting for a hint of explanation.
Waiting for my heavy heart to lift.
Waiting for a change in my perception.

Heather

TryinG

I'm trying.

I know it may seem like perhaps I'm not.
Like perhaps I'm wallowing in self pity, hopelessness, despair.
Don't get me wrong. 
I am doing all of those things...consistently.

I am trying though.
I'm trying not to over think, some days I am able to bypass those thoughts. I'm able to stop obsessing. I'm able to think clearly, openly, and honestly.

One word continues to occupy my mind.
One word continues to creep into my life, even on my darkest day.
It's a word I sometimes suppress.
It's a word I like to deny.

It means I have to keep trying, despite my yearning to quit.


Resilient:  returning to the original form or position after being bent, compressed, or stretched

- Heather

Prayer

Dear God,

I'm so worn out.
My heart is feeling heavy.
I am not optimistic.
I cannot shake this feeling.

I'm scared.
I'm struggling to trust in your plans.
I'm filled with doubt, anxiety, fear, and apprehension.
I am not filled with peace.

I find myself pessimistic.
My inner joy has been stolen.

I don't even know what to pray.

- Heather

FAILURE

You don't mean to, but you start to feel like a failure.
a complete, unexpected, irrelevant failure.

I don't want to feel this way.
I don't want to feel like I am inept.

I'm lacking insight right now.

I can only think about that one word; failure.
Why even keep trying.
?
Why keep trying over and over again.

I have many reasons to try.
I have many reasons not to.

There's a quote that says 'Failure is not an option'
But that's not true.
Failure is always an option.

Heather

Doubt

Starting over...

When you decide to start a new journey, it means that you must leave the old one behind.
At times, this can be extremely exhilarating.
At times, this can propel you forward with hope and optimism.

Starting over feels like this initially.
It feels right, it feels hopeful..

But, as always, it sets in.

What if what I'm doing doesn't work either?

Doubt sets in. You'll notice doubt as a theme throughout most of my entries. Doubt in what I'm doing. Doubt that it will work. Doubt ... doubt....doubt....

Honestly, I know that this is not a way to live. It's not a good idea to be filled with doubt. It's not helpful, useful, productive, or positive.

Doubt will get you know where.
Doubt will destroy all the things you hope for.
Doubt will challenge you even on your happiest days.


Unfortunately,
today,
I'm doubting.

- Heather